We live in a society that encourages Individuality and Independence. While these can be important and desired qualities, they can sometimes lead to feeling isolated and alone. We are not meant to shoulder everything ourselves or we wouldn’t also be conditioned to live in families, have friends and acquaintances in our circle, and live in communities.
It’s not unusual for clients to tell me they’re feeling stressed, burned-out, and exhausted and in the same breath say they don’t want to be a burden on others. However, the reality is that those who are closest to us wouldn’t want us to suffer, and if we’re not communicating, or are putting on a happy face, they may have zero awareness of our struggles and suffering.
When I ask clients to identify their supports many won’t really count those who live further away or out of state. Sometimes help can include just having someone listen, or having someone help you think things through. It can feel daunting to believe that we have to make all the decisions and choices alone. Help can mean reaching out to someone who either has background in a particular area or has had the same experience. Help also means asking someone to care for your newborn or children while you take a nap, run errands, catch-up on chores, or just get some much-needed time to yourself. None of us can perform at our best if we’re not allowing ourselves downtime, not just for basic needs like sleep, personal hygiene, and regular meals, but also time for things that fill our reserves so that we feel fulfilled and energized.
Another common tendency is for a client to express feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious and yet they don’t accept help when it’s offered to them. Sometimes the individual serving as the primary caregiver may experience fears and concerns about anyone other than themselves caring for their newborn or children. However, the reality is that not accepting help leads to extreme fatigue and burnout which does not allow you to be at your best. When help is offered by those in our circle, by those we generally trust, it’s important that we accept it to avoid pushing ourselves to a point where we are barely functioning, whether we have children or not. As for concerns about being a burden, the people in our circle would not offer help if they didn’t want to provide it. Additionally, if they agree to help and we sense resentment, sometimes we’re misreading the situation. Regardless, when someone agrees to help that was a choice they made. Each of us has an adult responsibility to say no if we’re not able to help.
I am one of seven children and there was a neighbor and her adult daughter who lived in the house behind us. Each time my mother would deliver her next child, this woman and her daughter were there to take care of the rest of us, so my parents didn’t have to worry. When I was growing up my mother and the other people at home with their children had what they called Koffee Klatch where they would get together once a month at one of their homes to connect with each other. This was their time to bond with others with similar experiences and to be there for each other.
The next time you’re feeling exhausted, frazzled, like everything is just too much, please allow those in your circle to help. I know that we all second-guess ourselves when it comes to asking for and accepting help, especially when we know that the person offering also has a lot they’re having to manage. But the reality is that our relationships are meant to be reciprocal, just as we help others, those who care for us really do want to return the favor. And although we have times in our lives when we need to be more reliant on others, there will eventually be a time when we’re able to also offer a helping hand.